emergence emergency
getting out there again, with mixed feelings
in the last few weeks, i’ve had a peculiar feeling in my stomach. a little bit nauseous, a little bit excited, definitely like i could hurl at a moment’s notice, with just a whiff of… say… nail polish, one of my least favorite smells.
no, i am not pregnant. sorry folks!
maybe you recognize this feeling because you are suffering from it too (just insert whatever smell makes you ill). please allow me to diagnose you: it’s emergence. yes indeed, an emergence emergency is upon us. this is different than the emergency that i have been driving my art ambulance to for the last 14 months. this is not the catastrophe of sudden social isolation and fear of infection that we’ve now learned to live with. this is the emergency that comes after, when the pandemic disaster finally shows signs of abating. to wit:
i have been very happy hiding out doing my thing with either no audience or a very limited, distanced virtual one. as i’ve spoken on before, i love a small space - literal or psychic. i wrote and recorded an album with no thought about putting it out, the music industry was such a mess. and for a long time it seemed that as a healthy 40-something-year old i would not get a vaccine any time soon.
but now the world has changed. i am fully vaccinated. i ate dinner at my friends place for the first time since december 2019. that’s crazy! my indefatigable agent lara has been booking up a storm. i have real life shows in june and an old-fashioned album release tour this fall. that’s crazy! i’ve hired a project manager and a radio promoter and am planning video shoots. i did an interview where i slyly dropped the album title. yesterday i drove to new york city and took photos, covid-safely but with multiple people in the room. that’s crazy!
taking photos is wierd!!
the thing is… i both want to and don’t want to be doing these things. i both want the world to open up, and i want it to stay closed and safe and small. my regular tennis partner is leaving for a month or so to take a road trip across the country to see her son graduate. when we finished our last match before she left, i waved her off saying, “tell america i said hello”.
hello america!
i do miss seeing all of you. and… i don’t. i suppose what has been most apparent to me in this interregnum, the space between corona life-styles, is my capacity to get used to anything. i mean of course i have preferences, but i do feel like the last 14 months have been a daily lesson in what i can weather. so, following the logic - if we can get used to anything, shouldn’t we have less fear about trying new things?
i think so!
what if that feeling that is so roiling my stomach becomes a companion that taps me on the shoulder and says, “that thing you don’t want to do, why not do it and do it bigger”. or, “that way you imagine being, be it and commit harder”. what if the gnawing in my intestines is there to remind me to have faith in my own abilities? i’ve spent the last year using my resilience to deal with shit things. why not consider using that to deal with some awesome stuff now that the world is re-opening?
i don’t know y’all. i just start writing these essays and what comes out, comes out. like you, i’m just trying to hang on and work through things as best i can. it does make me feel better to try and be useful, to buck you up, to try to pass on some insight in hopes that it will make your next, well whatever it is youre emerging into, a little better.
let me know how you’re doing as you emerge,
x erin
¡ME GUSTA! : SOME OF MY FAVORITE THINGS
of course we are all watching HBO's "mare of easttown". but what we're really talking about is kate winslet's delco accent. i have family from that part of PA and lemme tell you, it's pretty darn roight ouwn.
in case you think "mare of easttown" is sui generis, let me point you to the masterpiece that is happy valley, a detective series taking place in contemporary yorkshire. it's written by our lord and savior, teller of lesbian historical dramas, sally wainwright. it started in 2014 & it's where "mare of easttown" gets its nuts.
you know i love the USWNT, so imagine my delight to come upon these conversations led by defensive back kelly o'hara with becky sauerbrunn and carli lloyd.
if you have a womb and an iphone, you may enjoy the stardust app - it's a period tracker, yes, but also so much more. sorry, no android yet ;)
two fantastic books i recommend: the invention of miracles, katie booth's incredible reclamation / indictment of the legacy of alexander graham bell & joshua rothman's the ledger and the chain, a deep dive into the largest firm of slave traders in the years leading up the civil war. my hometown of fredericksburg virginia has an ignominious cameo. shine the light into the darkness!!
finally, watching ma'khia bryant's tiktoks.