pando anno
the comfort of non-sense and chaos
lately i have been thinking a lot about the above quote from the beacon that is adrienne maree brown, especially as the pando approaches its one year anniversary. i suppose the case could be made we are already past the actual marking of pando anno horribilis since it's clear now that corona was here in january and february, but for me it was march 13, 2020, that all the chaos and nonsense started.
i’ve written about this non-sense before in this newsletter, but that was may 2020, and i think we all agree that things are way way different now. obviously there is the pure temporal length of the pandemic, stretching backwards and forward til we are all misshapen. but there’s also the weird mirage of the vaccine, available to some, not available to many others for various nefarious and mundane reasons. are we near the end? the end for whom? how will we know?
i suppose it's the not-knowing that is getting to me these days. i’m just tired of floating my own boat, lifting my own spirits, remaining cheerful when i don't always feel that way. so i am looking for comfort and a reprieve from having to think i am ok. that’s why the quote from AMB gives me such peace and permission. i dont have to know. there is much that is beyond my knowing. and that is ok, even soft.
i have been taking this thought to my work. and right now my work is mainly teaching. i am deep into my semester with my brown university students and continuing with my usual private teaching slate. it’s 2021, so i probably don’t need to connect the next dots but i will: i am taking my not knowing to connections that are meant to be about knowing… OR ARE THEY??
as a teacher and as a student, i have always appreciated the “soft sell”. the authoritative voice has never been my bag. in my days as a team athlete (highschool field hockey, tennis, swim team)(why yes i did grow up dominant caste in a pretty segregated place), i was the kind of person who ran slower if you told me to run faster. who competed hard only when my own ego was on the line. who did the test fast to show off. but my best coaches and teachers recognized this about me and tricked me into being a better teammate and student by simply demonstrating a better way to be themselves and by asking me questions that had no answers, guiding me in the ambiguities til i found my own way out. sometimes the best teaching is simply to raise useful questions.
so, of late in my own teaching, i am focusing on these questions and not their answers. i have been framing the discussions and demonstrations of my classes with phrases like “is that true?” or “i think this but you may not agree” or “can we both love hamilton and interrogate its racial politics”. i have been keeping to “I” statements to give my students room to find their own “I” statements in thorny subjects. and at the end of the day, i make no effort to tie up the loose ends or put the contradictions back into a neat conclusion. sometimes there is just nonsense, sometimes ideas and people and motivations are chaotic, and that is ok. that feeling of tiredness i described above dissipates noticeably. my students and our collective not knowing have been lifting me up so much.
in that spirit, if you are interested in joining me to investigate your own nonsense, ie work with me on your music project, i have a few slots for private students opening up later this spring. all you need to know is here or just email me with your queries.
things around here are quiet on the new music front. we are still in the pando, after all. but i am slowly putting together a team to help me put my new record out in the fall. as of right now, there will be some tour dates. i’ve got one more watch me work this week, thursday march 4 at 2p ET. the others have been very fun, i encourage you to tune in. it’s exactly what it sounds like.
and finally, for those avid readers keeping track from last month’s newsletter, you may have noticed the NPR interview with audie cornish i wrote about never aired. yes, it's true, i ended up on the cutting room floor. everything i said! left out of the piece entirely! i must admit i did not forsee this outcome in the least. and yes, it was extremely disappointing, though i do appreciate that the producer called me personally to apologize and explain:
“audie wants you to know you were the first person she spoke to and that your thoughts really helped her frame the piece and write the script.”
i’m gonna be straight up salty about this: i am pretty tired of doing the good thinking for folks and not getting any shine for it. but again, i remind myself: there is chaos, there is nonsense, and i have to live in the not knowing why how or when. join me there?
x erin
¡ME GUSTA! : SOME OF MY FAVORITE THINGS
all about the amazing composer of the rad music of bridgerton
what would it look like to think of streaming music as a public utility and socialize it!?! this is the most exciting thing i have read in years about the depressing inevitability of streaming
omg i just read the best book ever
this nigerian sculptor makes prostheses in realistic shades for folks with darker skin tones. and he cant keep up with the demand!!
my highschool self has been very much enjoying the rare jodie foster press tour. here she is on WTF and with the HFPA and in conversation with the creator and cast of the queen's gambit. thanks to my dear friend bunty for keeping me full of jodie content. jay-guy-INJAH MISSA-chick-o-pay!!