hold your nerve
when disaster is on the horizon, how do we keep going?
i want to begin this month’s essay with gratitude. KISS OFF KISS has been out for just shy of two weeks. thank you to everyone who has downloaded, listened, shared and commented about the music. thank you to everyone who has watched, shared, and commented on the five videos that accompany the album.
thank you to everyone who has donated via “pay what you want, pay what you can”. the boston globe ran a great story about this aspect of the project. so far we’ve raised enough for 2 microgrants. this continues until december, so let’s keep it going. and don't forget to nominate someone to receive a $500 grant.
however, living alongside my gratitude for what KISS OFF KISS has done so far, is also a tiny sick feeling in my stomach. it’s always fraught and complicated to put a record out into the world, and this specific global moment is particularly so. but i am going to be very real with yall now. KISS OFF KISS is not doing so great out in the bigger world. and my upcoming national tour is also struggling.
press and radio are always crapshoots. very expensive lotteries that you feel like you never win but you feel compelled to try try try to play again. it’s hard not to take it personally, of course.
if only i wrote about more mainstream things
if only i was a better singer
if only i had more money to spend on the release
if only i my body wasn't …. what it is
if only i was….
there’s plenty of real, non-personal reasons that have nothing to do with the music of KISS OFF KISS that account for the relative lack of press and radio attention, even compared to my own modest past success. that’s not the point i’m making. the point i am making is it feels very bad. it doesn’t matter that i have been through this 10 other times. i call up my peers, and we talk about how fresh the frustration and hurt feel every time. at least we have company in our misery.
i also feel sick to my stomach every time i open my email. nearly every day an email or two arrives from a promoter telling me that my upcoming show is selling an unusually low or concerning or freakishly few amount of advance tickets. they ask do i want to cancel that show? they ask can i use my worldwide social media following to make a promo video for saturday night in grand rapids? my answers are always “no, i do not want to.” and “no, i cant.” i have 25 shows on the calendar. they are all concerned. this is a lot of guff to land in my inbox. my agent also dropped me in august, which is a story i will tell in another essay, so this particular tour feels like a real “now or never, maybe the last time i do this” kind of high wire act.
of course, lurking behind all this, and in all our lives no matter our occupation or vaccine status, is covid. i suppose i had been lucky so far in the pando. i hadn't really felt anxious or disrupted or even affected too deeply until this moment. but that's the deal with pandos i suppose. stick around long enough, and no one will escape its tide.
my peers already out on the road are suffering right now. i am sure you’ve seen the posts of musicians cancelling shows or tours because of positive tests. but there’s also a subset of musicians making decisions to pull shows and tours not because of sickness, but because of ticket sales. people are much quieter about this reason, often not stating it openly at all. but in private conversations, i know beyond anecdotally that this is happening. let me be clear, i don’t blame audiences for not coming to shows right now. i truly have no judgement on the decisions you need to make for your health and safety. and i don’t blame my peers for canceling what is sure to be a losing proposition, both on the balance sheet and emotionally. believe me, i totally understand and have considered it myself.
but right now, as much as i want to bail on the whole shebang and return to my early-pando life of hanging out at home and writing songs no one will ever hear, i have to hold my nerve. maybe you have to as well in whatever your situation is. maybe you have to hold your nerve and send your kids to school even though it worries you sick. maybe you have to hold your nerve and keep working at a job you hate because there is no other option. maybe you have to hold your nerve for reasons you cant even name. sometimes we just have to arrive at each morning and try to move through the day with as much grace, community, and… honesty as possible.
so! i have probably scuttled my career further by not writing you a cheery essay about how great everything is going. but at this point, it is what it is, i am what i am, and you all know me by now and you keep coming back. i appreciate you reading this with all my heart.
x erin
¡ME GUSTA! : SOME OF MY FAVORITE THINGS
a new yorker classic about one of my favorite neighbors, emily dickinson, jerk of amherst
i love football. american violent misogynist racist football. sigh. it's not one of my better qualities. if you are like me, you will appreciate this awesome pod about what an NFL player's workweek is like
i found this article about the efficacy and usefulness of at-home covid tests very helpful as i try to lead my tour / organization through this wierdo time
i always have enjoyed the beatles' white album the most of all.
i stan karen olivo. she is burning it all down, one important interview at a time. and she is not wrong about the health consequences for women holding in their urine. i just got off a month on a tour bus and lemme tell you, that shit is real. TMI? who cares! who is still even reading my newsletter this far down ha ha ha haaaaaaaaa.