today’s audio is “fruita”, a new single (spotify or bandcamp) from my friend steve slagg’s upcoming album. i met steve years ago as a songwriting midwife client, but through tours and collaborations, our relationship has evolved into a lovely friendship.
“fruita” is steve’s treatise on being gay in nature, something very important to me as well. he was inspired by a hike he took through utah’s capitol reef national park, a park i know well and have hiked in too. it is a truly beautiful place where you are compelled to link your existence with the profundity of nature’s creations. my hikes there have been solo excursions at troubled points in my life. something about the red rocks and big sky cut with water and greenery has helped me sort through life transitions.
an early version of “fruita” was the subject of one of our song sessions, and i was thrilled to get asked to sing on it in its final form. it’s like meeting a kid in kindergarten then getting invited to their graduation. all grown up elegance and potential fulfilled.
i try not to peg these episodes to the news. ideally i would love you to be able to turn on the Fax of Life wherever you are, at whatever time of life, and have it be interesting and relevant. if nothing else, i am here for the long tail, for the long game.
but events this past week ended up nestling right up against a topic i was already mulling over, ie a topic i am struggling with and hoping to write my way around to a more hopeful discourse: you cannot outrun age, but can i have some more guidance in the middle distances?
obviously we saw an example of the brutal truth of aging with the latest presidential debate. two older men, of unequal character but equally unfit to be president. it was frustrating and demoralizing to watch president biden struggle, and i, like many democrats, feel a genuine concern was belittled and ignored and now it’s too late. to be honest, biden’s insistence that he is undiminished by age and still capable of doing his job, feels delusional, selfish, and unpatriotic. let your teammates take up the race.
there is nothing wrong with getting older in itself. getting older is an inevitable human fact, so well documented in our lives and culture, that we know it immediately when we see it, as we did at the debate. the slowing of speech and movement, the dimming of internal fires. but watching yourself or someone else get old is terrifying, and i think that terror is no small part of the panic engulfing democrats this week.
now, bear with me this next part: i recently watched a reality docuseries about the dallas cowboy’s cheerleaders. it’s actually very very good! i also recommend the documentary “daughters of the sexual revolution” and the texas monthly podcast “america’s girls”. believe me, the dallas cowboy’s cheerleaders are an extremely rich text which rewards multiple unironic readings!
in this latest series, we first meet the expected characters: young women in the “prime” of life. energetic, striving, unspoiled. the thing they want most is to be a cheerleader, and they are working tremendously hard in body, mind, and spirit to achieve this goal. put aside any judgement on the worthiness of their goal, and their genuine passion and work ethic is impressive.
threaded through the documentary though, are more complicated characters: women who once were dallas cowboy’s cheerleaders, women who once were young. these women, in their 50s, 60s, and 70s bear striking and stark contrast to their younger counterparts. of course superficially, but also in their spirits. their edges are worn down, their hopes have shifted. they are by no means unhappy, but they are so… different.
imagine a cheerleader on the sidelines of an nfl game, all bounce and naivete. now picture joe biden struggling at a lecturn. this is an extreme metaphor and comparison of course, but something has happened in between these two images. something is happening in between.
hey yall! happy summer in the northern hemisphere!
things are still quiet on the gig front, but here’s a little reminder that we’ve got a hiking concert in richmond virginia on september 7, plus more shows to be announced later this fall. as always tickets and information are at erinmckeown.com/shows.
thanks for the wonderful response to last episode’s cry for help. i am feeling a little better. if you missed it, or forgot, now is a great time to check to make sure your subscription is up to date, subscribe if you aren’t already, and leave a rating or review on spotify or apple podcasts.
and as always, telling a friend about or sharing an episode of the Fax of Life is much appreciated. thanks for listening!!
i’m right in the middle of my 46th year, 22 years from the spring of my 24th year, as marked in my song “born to hum”, which is currently my most listened to song on spotify. go figure.
for those of you who are in your mid-forties or who have been in your mid-forties, perhaps you can relate to this strange place i find myself in. i’m grappling with a changing body - gaining weight, losing eyesight, recovering more slowly from the everyday wear and tear of life. honestly it sounds like a boring nightclub standup act. oy my back! if only i had a wife or a mother-in-law to complain about, i could be a star.
it’s not that i don’t want to be the age i am. i just finished teaching 10, 11, and 12 year olds at a summer camp. and i spent the school year with middle, high schoolers, and college students. nothing about their lives looks appealing to me. not even their fresh faces and spry joints.
i also don’t want to be in my 20s or 30s, trying to figure out what kind of person i want to be, riding the roller coaster of partnership or potential parenthood and other adult trials. no, i’m very glad to be where i’m at. and i know where i am headed eventually. but it’s just that i don’t know how this part right ahead of me is supposed to go.
we have so much energetic and brash culture about the young! then we have so much poignant and wise culture about the old! but what can i watch, read, see in between to help me in this part of my life?
i’m the kind of person that needs to see it to be it. i think most of us are. that’s why we all have heroes right? people we look up to, people we want to model ourselves after. but think for a moment: who is a hero to those who are middle aged right now? i feel like the cultural models available to me are either much younger or much older.
and heroes are complicated anyway!! i have met a few of mine, and it hasn’t gone well (for this i take plenty of blame). in fact, i am not looking for a hero, not looking for someone who can do no wrong, who wears a cape and has to live up to some impossible standard. what i need is an inspiration: someone, real or fictional, whose life feels like one close to mine that i can live. someone who feels good in their changing body. someone who is making a career pivot with courage and grace. i don’t want to put someone up on pedestal, but i would like to know what map they are using.
middle age is the time of life when folks are usually stepping into the center of power, reaching career peaks, accomplishing large goals. for artists though, it’s often the opposite, a holding pattern. you are not the fresh young thing, you are not the cherished and revered legend. and for someone fame adjacent like me, getting inspired by someone famous is a distraction. i love rachel maddow, i love how she is navigating this part of her life, she is actually my neighbor. but she is so famous and has so many opportunities that in the end she feels like an impossible model.
there are some artists that do feel like peers and more, whose work i admire… mark mulcahey, dessa, donnetta lavinia grays. never heard of these folks? that’s my point. they are amazing, accomplished artists navigating this part of their lives, under the radar. but how do they feel about it? are they too searching for community? asking these questions? are they writing podcasts looking for the same map as me?
if i could, i would ask them this: how do you keep hopeful when the phone doesn’t ring, especially when it used to ring a lot? do you get as excited about new ideas now as you did 20 years ago? do you own a house? if so, how did you accomplish that? what’s your plan for your intellectual property when you die? who is on your business team now? what still feels unfinished in your creative life? do you have an MFA? do you ever think about being a postal worker? does your left knee crunch weirdly like mine?
here i am, looking for answers.
as a side note, last summer i did apply to be a postal worker, and i failed the personality test. apparently i am a person who likes boundaries and clear work assignments.
this past weekend, i ran an 8K trail race. crunchy knee be damned. i like to run, and where i live it’s very hilly. even though i don’t usually run more than 3-4 miles at a time, i have run a few 10Ks and enjoyed them. i figured i could subtract a little distance, add some elevation, and still be ok. i was right. i achieved my goal of completing the course in under an hour.
but i can’t take sole credit. whenever i run a race, i always try to find someone in the first 5 minutes, after the field has shaken out, and i try to follow them. sometimes i pick someone my size or who seems like near my age. instead of thinking about my pace, i tail this person. left to my own devices i will inevitably choose to go slower than i could.
so i spot this person at the beginning of the race and i try to stay the same distance from them, to pace myself a little behind where they are running. i watch closely how they manage their energy and the demands of the course. maybe towards the end, i lose them - one of us gets faster or slower in the final stages. but i do try to keep up as long as i can.
i did that this weekend. i never even saw the face of the person i tailed. she was always about 10 yards ahead of me. but when she walked, i walked. when she sprinted, i sprinted. eventually she pushed on and finished a couple minutes ahead of me, but i was able to keep her in sight the whole time. through woodsy trails and the final, winding downhill slope across a big field. in the distance i saw her finish the race and knew i could too.
so tell me, who should i be tailing in this part of my life? who is running a route that i can learn from? turn me on to some people you think might inspire me. connect me with some peers who might let me crib their work. or at least follow from a respectful distance.
x erin
¡ME GUSTA! : SOME OF MY FAVORITE THINGS!
its hard to believe it’s been almost a decade since oscar pistorius shot and killed his girlfriend. this documentary brings it all back in horrifying and important detail
beautiful audio essay from dessa about the experience of losing her voice
oh man, sally field is so awesome. and so is her book.
the way sound is mixed in theater is mind-blowingly different from rock music. here’s a cool BTS look at how it happens. also if you dont know about ginman.wav, get on it
an audio remembrance of baseball legend willie mays
pretty cool: FOX broadcast an inning of an MLB game as if it were 1953
the podcast “rumble strip” continues to deliver incredible stories
please read this masterpiece on republican women
disgusting. i will not apologize
i was never a celine dion fan. i was never *not* a fan. but now i love her and hope fervently for her recovery
little known stanley cup facts
UPCOMING SHOWS
September 7, 2024 - Richmond VA
Bryan Park Hiking Concert
TICKETS
now - June 2026 - Fredericksburg VA
Fredericksburg Area Museum
Out And About: The Walk-in Closet
VISIT
If you have further questions or concerns about COVID protocols, please contact the venues directly.
Reminder, Erin does not appear in productions of Miss You Like Hell
map for middle age