today’s audio is a small sketch i wrote last summer, when i was reflecting on a friend whose sharp edges were out and cutting up those around her. i felt bruised and not particularly generous in the moment, but i was trying to find compassion and not condemn the entire person:
oh little flower
oh tiny bean
but sometimes it just needs to be said that people, despite their best intentions and efforts
can turn out so mean.
what do you do in that situation? my better self wants to speak up and at the least say, “ouch” to those sharp edges. i aspire to be able to say immediately, “hey! that’s not cool” when bad behaviour is directed at others. in this case, i did neither, instead writing a little sketch of a song that i never showed anyone.
i’ve got some growing to do.
i’m writing today from my porch, with carl snoring beside me. i’ve been home a week from finishing up the last of a long cycle of projects, some of which i hope to share with you in the near future.
as i hinted at last month in my sidebar from ely, MN, i filmed a few scenes for a friend’s movie. movies take a second, but i hope that by next year you can see what we made. being on set and seeing my friend thrive directing a feature she wrote was an amazing experience.
over the last year, i applied for two big-time jobs at big-time places. i was a finalist for both - having to complete multi-day in-person interviews. and i recently found out… i got neither of those jobs. thems the breaks, but lemme tell you, as someone who had never applied for a job before, i don’t know how y’all do it. ouch.
and finally, my year at the university of chicago, teaching and writing a new musical is over. my colleagues and i wrapped up with a super-cool class and a fantastic cohort of students. then we did a two week staged reading of our show. it is such a huge and rare occurrence to have 7 actors, a music director, an audio engineer, a video crew - all these folks in one room for an extended period of time Making A Thing. i don’t know when the next time that can happen will be, so it made it all the sweeter to have the opportunity. i savored it.
our presentations went well, and now we’re looking for a production. soon i’ll have video to show you. i’m used to having to keep these kind of long-term musical collaborations under wraps, but in this case, we need to spread the word about what we made, so you my friends, are the beneficiaries. stay tuned.
maybe this list of things sounds shiny and awesome, being in a film, being a finalist for two amazing jobs, writing a new musical and teaching at a prestigious university. yes, these things are shiny and awesome, but that’s exactly the problem. they are so extremely shiny and awesome that now they are done, that i didn’t get the jobs, they leave a shiny and awesome void, an emptiness not just on my calendar, which had been packed for the last 10 months, but in my artistic practice, also known as, my soul.
this emptiness is natural after a big project finishes, when you return from a long trip or large experience. and it can be important, even healthy to take time to be in it, to feel the difference between being on and being off.
but what i am coming home to is of a more sinister quality because there is no end in sight to it. sure i have a couple delightful days scheduled, but there is no future project on the calendar, no steady income to support me, no impressive thing that i can tell you about just over the horizon. there is only a quiet, humble vacuum where once there was bustle. a stillness all the more profound for the chaos that preceded it. as a freelance person, it’s always been up to me to keep the calendar full and flowing. obviously, i’ve done a pretty good job of it to get this far. but lately, i’ve been striking out at finding the Next Thing, leaving a hole of indeterminate size in the future. a void shaped void.
hey y’all! let me interrupt this tiny violin serenade with some nice news. i’ve got a few in person gigs this summer here in new england. i’ll be co-billing with my siblings in SPOUSE on July 30 at the stone church in brattleboro VT. and then on august 12, i’ll be hosting my second scenic songs hike at notchview outdoor recreation area in dalton MA. we hike, i play you a show, we hike home. these are both worth traveling for.
this fall, i’ll join my Welcome To Night Vale family on the road for a few shows in virginia, north and south carolina, florida and georgia. as a longer term reminder, there are upcoming productions of miss you like hell in seattle and georgia. info for all this is at erinmckeown.com/shows.
now, since i’ve got a stretch of time on my hands, i’m re-opening my teaching practice, #CABINCOLLEGE. i’d love to help you make an album, improve your songwriting, devise a music or songwriting curriculum, or learn how to record at home. we meet by zoom at times that work for you. erinmckeown.com/cabincollege to get started.
finally! the Fax of Life is always full-featured for no cost, but if you aren’t subscribed on substack, please consider it today. it’s a big help. if you can’t do that, please tell a friend or rate, review, or subscribe on your podcast platform of choice.
thanks as always for listening, and back to the pod!
contemplating the void shaped void is the kind of thing that can make your mind crack if you spend too much time thinking about it, writing about it, or speaking it out loud as a combination essay podcast fusion with a clever name. it’s the kind of thing that feels almost boring in its sheer size and indefinite quality. and i’m certainly well aware that i am complaining. cue that tiny violin. but it also reminds me of two pieces of art that have stayed with me in the many years since i initially encountered them. maybe they offer some hope.
i first saw Anish Kapoor’s “memory” at the guggenheim in 2008. the sculpture is a giant rust colored object, somewhat oval or egg shaped. it takes up an entire room, rising at least two stories and touching every wall of the huge gallery. there are multiple doorways on several levels so that you can see the sculpture up close, but the point is, it is so big that you can never see the whole of it. it’s the perfect material embodiment of its subject, memory, a topic so large and impactful and personal we will never get a handle on its whole shape. my empty calendar feels like the inside of anish kapoor’s sculpture!
i grew up a huge fan of “the hitchhiker’s guide to the galaxy”, douglas adams’s dry wit science fiction four book trilogy. in one of the books, the overlords of the universe have devised what they consider the most painful, deadly punishment possible for life forms: the Total Perspective Vortex. the victim is taken to a desolate planet where they enter a type of planetarium / imax theater. once strapped into the viewing chair, the Total Perspective Vortex shows you your infinite smallness and inconsequence as related to the actual size of the entire universe, of multiple universes, of all known universes, knowledge, and creation. the result is immediate annihilation. the weight of any individual’s insignificance crushes them completely, and they implode. sometimes my empty calendar feels like the Total Perspective Vortex!
however, notably, one being survives the Total Perspective Vortex and that is the infinitely ego-ed Zaphod Beeblebrox. he is so sure of himself that nothing can puncture his confidence. also notably, the Total Perspective Vortex is powered by a piece of cake, to which Zaphod helps himself after surviving the Vortex.
this is why i love art! this is why i love books! this is why i love writing. i started this essay out with only a vague idea of what i wanted to talk about - somewhat shamefully in fact, because who wants to hear or read a complaint about an empty calendar. but as i write, i recall; as i write, something moves in me; as i write, i remember Anish Kapoor and Zaphod and the cake. and then i think - there is no balcony or viewing platform that allows you to see all of “memory”, because you don’t need to. you have your up close experience, and that is all you get. and that is enough. and why would i willingly enter the Total Perspective Vortex of my calendar multiple times an hour, when i have a choice not to look. in fact, i can set it to day mode or week mode, just keeping what’s necessary in front of me, but nothing more.
and then there is the cake.
travel makes me feel sludgy. while i like eating good food and have an adventurous palate, too much of a good thing is still too much. coming home makes me want to simplify and eat clean. i’ve been doing a pretty good job of it too. not overly bothered about it, not thinking too much about what i am not eating, easily making healthy choices when faced with a pie menu. but last night, i went to have dinner with my rock and roll aunties. after dinner, they pulled out a raspberry cheesecake that was left-over from a party the night before.
“do you want cake?” they asked.
reader, i ate the cake.
x erin
ps - last month carl and i went to cape cod, where we ran into old friends natalia zukerman, melissa ferrick, zoe lewis, and sharon topper.
pps - finally reunited after many days apart!!!
¡ME GUSTA! : SOME OF MY FAVORITE THINGS!
my friend miriam did it!! she won a tony!!
F1 driver charles leclerc (lately of under achieving ferrari) likes to play piano.
very into violinist hilary hahn’s public practicing. i don’t think most people know what actually practicing music is like. the movies do such a terrible job.
a twee, but still delightful, podcast about walking at night.
more sports uniform arcana: tampa bay creamsicle unis!
how did i not know about this website before i started my project of watching every episode of “murder she wrote”?
the red sox AA minor league team has an all-female broadcast booth!
wanna have a good cry? try this pod about a pet cemetery
a beautiful long-read about former Tennessee basketball coach (and legend) pat summit
in case you forgot, the best drag queen on insta is pattie gonia
and finally, in honor of juneteenth, a book by one of my favorite historians, annette gordon-reed.
UPCOMING SHOWS
July 30 - Brattleboro CT
Stone Church with SPOUSE
TICKETS
August 12 - Dalton MA
Scenic Songs Hike + Concert at Notchview
TICKETS
Oct 14 - Nov 11 - Seattle WA
Miss You Like Hell at Strawberry Theatre
MORE INFO
Nov 9 - Washington DC
performing as The Weather with Welcome to Night Vale
TICKETS
Nov 10 - Charlottesville VA
performing as The Weather with Welcome to Night Vale
TICKETS
Nov 11 - Richmond VA
performing as The Weather with Welcome to Night Vale
TICKETS
Nov 12 - Durham NC
performing as The Weather with Welcome to Night Vale
TICKETS
Nov 16 - Tampa FL
performing as The Weather with Welcome to Night Vale
TICKETS
Nov 17 - Ft Lauderdale FL
performing as The Weather with Welcome to Night Vale
TICKETS
Nov 18 - Ponte Vedra Beach FL
performing as The Weather with Welcome to Night Vale
TICKETS
Nov 19 - Atlanta GA
performing as The Weather with Welcome to Night Vale
TICKETS
March 8 -24, 2024 - Woodstock GA
Miss You Like Hell at Woodstock Arts
TICKETS
If you have further questions or concerns about COVID protocols, please contact the venues directly.
Reminder, Erin does not appear in productions of Miss You Like Hell
into the void